Rufus and Delmar are two, too fat cops. They are too fat to chase after suspects--they either shoot or run them over with their car. (It’s a “running” joke running throughout the film.) They are too fat to work on a big city police force and they have their worst week ever when the TV show "COPS" arrives to document their adventures in Amish country Ohio.
Their younger boss is Captain Bradley Jack, an ex-marine roughneck, the kind of cop who would book his own mother for jaywalking. "COPS" is his favorite show so he relishes the chance to strut his stuff on the show, even if he has to hit somebody.
Captain Jack is taken in by Jebediah, an Amish youth who deals in drugs and tall tales. He informs the macho cop that an Amish rave is going down. Captain Jack goes undercover old world-style and gets dosed on Ecstasy in a kind of a perverted "Witness" homage.
Seamus Yoder is a mystery to "COPS" producer Dick Rushmore. He’s been shunned by his own Old Order Amish brethren yet continues to get in their faces with his outlandish stunts like “Buy a picture with the Amish, $20”. Rushmore finds out why Seamus is outcast: his foot fetish made worse by a foot-washing atonement. Later, Seamus tries to win back his old flame a lá "The Graduate" at the altar of her Amish wedding..
Some of the "COPS" incidents: a clown car is pulled over and 20 suspects get out; an evangelist trespasser turns out to be Jesus; a 14-foot boa goes missing the same time as the next-door chihuahua; a seven year-old steals his father’s car; a hag goes Lady Godiva on a stolen horse; a sting operation yields no takers because the fake hooker is too "skanky"; Rufus asks his girl to marry him (on hidden camera) and she emasculates him verbally.
Then "America’s Most Wanted" comes to Plainview to do a LIVE broadcast of a hunt for a transvestitie serial killer who has escaped in the area. Rufus and Delmar give chase to a thief who’s stolen a "muscle" car. Both vehicles run over spikes and continue the pursuit on their rims at 2 miles per hour before the crook jumps out and sprints. Then we finally see why the fat cops don’t run much. (Ever see Billy Crystal do Babe Ruth?)
John Walsh tackles the thief who runs by where they're shooting..
Later, a UFO AND a tornado are spotted which leads to a ridiculous conclusion for all the "white trash" residents of the Cozy Curds Trailer Court and the city of Plainview, Ohio.
© mxmix Frank Cromer
